Today is a bad day.
When you wake from a pleasant dream to pain everywhere, that’s bad. The pain is daily anyway, but the pleasant dream isn’t and so throws it into stark contrast from mere unconsciousness.
I’d like to revisit that dream; the place it was, the people there, the things I saw. But that would mean dying because that was obviously what it was about. I know enough psychology to understand that. So the effect of the wakening to pain was amplified again.
We’d like to believe in an afterlife, because we all think we deserve heaven and some kind of reward after putting up with the trials and tribulations of life. We know there are bad people who seem to get away with endless crimes and they deserve eternal punishment. We may disagree on who is who at this, as well as what constitutes crime, punishment, and reward, but we agree on the principal. It’s just a way of admitting life sucks like a Hoover most of the time and we’re powerless to change it. The idea that when you die the chemical accident that is you simply ends removes all sense of balance and makes being alive even more depressing.
I would like to go back to that dream. To see that gold typewriter in its case, the cameras on display, the radios … the things of my life in fact. The people of it too, as the two principal characters were my parents. Oh my sister and her family visited briefly, but my brothers had already left. Yes I know what it means; it’s obvious even if you haven’t studied psychology.
I’m not having a good time just now, and it’s snowing today to boot. I will have to go and do more work to clear that snow later today. There’s no sign of Spring arriving, no expectation of better photo shoots (I’m sick of the harsh light and snow), and even though it comes with the prospect of more work it also brings the possibility of enjoyment.
Oh who are we kidding? No it doesn’t. The valleys get deeper and the mountains get higher and either becomes a struggle to achieve. The important thing now is to stop myself from buying something just to relieve the depression. Tomorrow I can go and do my errands and that will help; being trapped at home for three days with nothing but chores and work to attend to aggravates the ‘cabin fever’ (double meaning there).
For now, we have a silly dog eating snow: