What day is it?

Well things are getting sadistically real here. Friday started with so much pain in the feet I thought I’d been running all night. Went to town in the pouring rain and came back to light the fire to fight off the cold. Next thing I know I’ve got so much joint pain I’d prefer to be dead.

Did that shock you? It’s a frequent feeling.

It goes along with wanting to smash the phone with a hammer because it rings – same idiots calling over and over and hearing the message wife is not here but if they call enough she will be? I want to punch people. They deserve it. Really, I’m under no obligation to put up with morons.

I have no obligation to put up with anything. Not even the law.

Oh they all get away with it for the simple reason that when I’m at my most violent I am also at my most debilitated. Frustration leads to depression leads to violence.

So I turned the damn ring off. Screw ’em.

The pain and fatigue wear on my mind in other ways; I don’t know how coherent this post will be (I start out with an advantage I admit) and frankly I have to keep figuring out what day it is by analysis.

Days like this I stare the horror in its face: I’ve seen the future and it is murder, just as Mr. Cohen said. Whose murder is all that remains undecided. I know that I need to get rid of the aggravations external because their internal cousins are more than anyone can stand. That is not so simple as it sounds. It means a horrific alteration that there is no pleasant way to do. Oh, just give up all you love and tell me how easy it is. Tell me how understanding those around you would be when you tell them you can’t associate anymore. Go one; you first. Tell me how that works out.

So no more cabin, dogs, cats, and subsequently wife. Wow. All that will do is buy me time, too. I just don’t know anymore. This is the worst day I’ve had for a long time. If I take enough pills to counteract the effects I will be unconscious.

*Insert long profound swearing here.*

Oh expletive, the chest pain is back now. I wish it was heart failure and not just pain for its own sake.

I’ve read several entries from fellow sufferers today, as I seek encouragement from those managing to cope. Beats me how they do it. They are younger and stronger to start with; perhaps that gives them incentive to continue. I’m old, and I’m done with living. There wouldn’t be much to look forward to even without any illness, but it should be all peace and ease not increasing pain without relief.

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