Who am I kidding?

I was in such a happy mood; I had new toys to play with. I was (and am) anticipating buying more toys to play with. All of them photographic in nature. The resurgence of photography in my life has been the best tonic yet. But is it a cure-all or a placebo?

What I was looking forward to was getting out to the cabin and spending lots of time walking around in the woods seeing what there is to photograph this year. Quite often it changes from year to year, for reasons unknown. Oh there are always trees and deer, but the bird population has its fluctuations which make for some interesting surprises.

Well I did some errands Friday and that turned out with the usual severe exhaustion for a short amount of effort. Having to rest and catch your breath between stores is silly considering how close together the stores are. In the afternoon came a thunderstorm which knocked out the power, and again 15 minutes of connecting up the generator was marathon effort for me. My wife noticed I wasn’t so much breathing as coughing steadily and trying to suck air in between the hacks.

Yeah, so I’m going to go out walking through acres of forest, up and down miles of old logging trails am I? Somehow dropping dead in the middle of nowhere doesn’t hold much appeal. Okay, maybe I could jump on the ATV and ride up to the dead ends of some of those trails and then walk around in a controlled area. That might work. But will it by the time I get to be able to do it, though?

So here I am poised to spend some serious money on new equipment to, let’s face it, play with and wondering if I’ll really get the chance to. I don’t expect much along the lines of answers from my next doctor visit because there never are any. This is in fact the major problem! How do you plan for a future when you haven’t a clue what it will be or even if it will be? Am I going to spend up to $1,000 on stuff that will just sit because after I get it I’ll only be able to walk once around the house? Or may be in a wheelchair? Or may be just a lump on the couch? It wouldn’t make sense to.

I am currently studying the Zen aspect of it all, and it’s not simple. The conflicts between “might as well spend the money ’cause you’re going to die anyway and five minutes fun is more than none” and “it’s foolish to spend the money that might be needed for something else more practical” as well as the ‘blind alley of fools’ situation (this takes too long to explain; perhaps I should write a piece entirely on my use of Zen) leaves no clear path to take.

So I will await the doctor visit. I will hold off on orders. I will twiddle my thumbs.

Next week it’s supposed to be warm and sunny. I may not be able to do work per se, but I might just go out to the cabin with the old camera and the new filters I’ve just got and walk carefully in a small area and see what there is to photograph. My work ethic will demand more, of course. I suppose I could sort through the loose lumber scraps the contractor left and maybe build the new propane tank stand and … You see the problem. Giving myself permission to be ‘wasteful’ of time and energy and money (it costs a fair bit just to get there with our gas prices). Waiting for the stars to align, so to speak, so that the way is clear. Weighing the pros and cons of so many aspects. Knowing that if I had more of any of the resources (time, energy, money – all are at a premium right now) it would be easier to make the right choice. Or at least not as painful to tolerate the mistake.

One thought on “Who am I kidding?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s