Changing the sheets

Do you have cats?

If you answered “yes” to that and read the title you already know what is coming.

We have three cats: Hannibal, Boots, and Squeak. When it’s time to change the bed they like to “help”. Unfortunately their idea of helping doesn’t exactly jibe with getting anything done.

First of all, you have to get the resident cat off the bed in order to remove the old linen. If there isn’t a cat on it when you start, there will be before you can get the top bit lifted. So you must lift the cat first. This sounds easy until you try it any realize not only do they make noises of objections (Squeak is quite vocal about this, hence her name), but they are also equipped with multiple cat anchors which means if you lift the cat you get the covers too. It can sometimes take half a day just to get the bed stripped, because if you go away and leave it the cats will too – until you return.

The second battle is fought putting the new sheets on. There is a lump. Remove the cat, spread out bottom sheet … there is a lump again. Remove cat, spread out bottom sheet … there is a lump again. Repeat as needed. The lump will reappear at every stage. Sometimes you have an under lump and an over lump. Sometimes you have three. Just keep working at it: if you start the process around 6:00 AM you might even be finished by nightfall.

This last time Boots, best known for her talents as a mouser, interior decorator, and acrobat (she hasn’t quite worked out how to walk on the ceiling, but she’s working on it), decided every piece of cloth that moved was something to be violently attacked. Usually she reserves this behaviour for human toes, but en lieu of those she’ll pounce on anything that moves. These were brand new sheets. Now they are slightly perforated.

Obviously this whole problem could be abated by locking the cats out of the bedroom, but on the other hand having to replace the door every time you change the bed would get a tad expensive too. Non-cat people would not understand this. You don’t train cats. Cats train you. You want to go through life without punctured skin? Get a goldfish.

Oh well, at least we’re certainly tired enough to sleep. Mind you that isn’t a difficult thing to achieve. Especially not if you’re a cat; they sleep wherever and whenever. Except when someone is making a bed; they’ll be right there to help.

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