When suddenly

Yesterday was bad. I nearly choked to death. This can happen when you start coughing while trying to swallow. I spent the rest of the day sipping cold water and fearing it would happen again. I did not dare eat dinner. Nor even take a pill. My throat felt as if I’d been strangled: not the ‘inside’ pain associated with disease, but ‘structural’ pain from having been tortured. No, I am not ill. Not in the cold/flu sense of the word.

It all comes down to muscle. In this case the muscles that affect breathing and swallowing. In general I have trouble with all my muscles; they are constantly tired, occasionally inoperative or weak, and often spasm. Toes to eyeballs. Every single day. Try and imagine what that’s like. I hope you don’t know from experience.

So something went wrong when I swallowed and then the chain reaction came. Now it still hurts and I’m leery of drinking or eat for fear of a second such episode. It also points towards a diagnosis where none has been forthcoming before. I’ve been to a lot of doctors over the past 8 years, and had numerous tests. It started with chest pain that was eerily like a heart attack (angina pectoris). Over time more symptoms appeared, and as one specialist after another dismissed me for not having what they originally guessed and one test after another (include genetic profiling) failed to show a definitive cause I was shuffled about with no hope in sight. There still isn’t any.

The common denominators of all the symptoms are nerves and muscles. Both were ‘checked’ – somewhat – and found to be okay. This I knew was a lie. They simply hadn’t tested when symptoms were present, so how could they tell? It was coming up on my being dismissed as having a psychosomatic complaint, but they didn’t even bother with that.

In a strange case of starting out with something completely unrelated I came across something that would explain it. Now, how do I convince the doubtful medical profession to check for that? I have no medical degree, and once again there is no single test which gives definitive results. (Sorry if the real world is analog, not digital.) They haven’t been listening well all along, and frankly have stopped completely. No wonder people turn to fake medicine and woo mongers.

Or maybe I’ve convinced myself this is what I’ve got and the body has reacted by creating the symptoms to fit. I doubt it. If it were the case, could I not convince myself I don’t have it and the symptoms would go away? I doubt that too.

Whether or not it’s whatever it is, the problem is real and has to be dealt with.

I’m rapidly running out of coping mechanisms.

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