How does it feel

Oh Bob you surely knew.

Ignoring the unexplained stabbing pain in the back of my head (lower left side), I’m still wondering about the several minutes of truly odd sensations this morning just after bringing wood in that felt rather like cardiac fibrillation (five cardiologist have told me I’m fine) followed by some arrhythmia-like feelings which are continuing. Not sure if this is connected with the 5 mg of cyclobenzaprine I had to take last night or not, but that has never affected me this way before.

Which is a strange way of introducing the subject of how difficult it has become to go on living the life I do. In short there are too many demands placed on my dwindling abilities and energies and there’s no way to change it. Not even a large infusion of cash, known for handling so many problems and reducing them to nil, would help.

What would help I can contemplate but not be sure of. I can not achieve it or even experiment with it without dire consequences, and again mere sums of money would not ease the difficulties.

The details are irrelevant. For purposes of understanding you need only try to imagine this: throw away your current lifestyle entirely, and create a new one out of nothing.

There are agencies which will help you overcome health problems such as losing a leg or being a drug addict or even a combination thereof. There are organizations to get you out of bad relationships. There are even people willing to assist with getting runaway finances under control. But when the problem is that you no longer fit your own life there is no one willing or able to help you establish a new one. When it’s simply a matter of “I’m too old/infirm to manage now” but you appear to be well and able you’re up the creek without a canoe, never mind a paddle.

Also I’m worried about the huge number of typographical errors in my own writing this morning (which I have corrected). A clear sign of neurons not firing correctly, and that says I’ve had another TIA – probably going with the weird sensation.

Does any of this make sense? I don’t know.

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